Every Day

Everyday when I open my eyes,
I hope: Maybe today will be better,
maybe I won’t miss you as much,
and my heart won’t break for the nth time.
But the days come and go
and except that you are still missing
nothing changes at all.

Eterne

no difference

I live next door to you
but I could as well live half a world away
no difference it would make:
We would miss each other just as much
I would love you same as I love you now
and you would be as distant as you are.
Nothing would change if I lived far away:
We would miss each other
as we did all our lives
before we’ve met in person
for the first time.


Eterne
September, 2010

Dungeon

Captured in your gaze

and chained by my thoughts,

I’m thrown into cold darkness

devoided of hope

for Spring, for sunlight,

for a warm hug,

a walk in a park,

heart-to-heart conversations,

Sundays’ breakfasts in bed,

small acts of love:

you in my life

Eterne

October 2010

falling asleep

Last night you were with me:
I've kissed your eyes and your lips
and cuddled close to your your chest
happy with your presence
surrounded by your scent
and the warmth of your body.
You didn’t do anything,
just murmured "sweet dreams, baby"...
But I’ve been dreaming already,
sending you my love as falling asleep
while your body was somewhere else
far away from me.
 
 
Eterne
September 2010

nothing (I'm just angry)

passionately and joyfully
i used to love life
now i just want to die
i shouldn't be paying a price so high
for a few months of your secret love
i shouldn't have
with all my strength trying to forget
what i want in life the most
to what you are blind and deaf
(or if you see it, you deny it anyway)
i just shouldn't have
i shouldn't have
had taken from me my heart and soul
and my body thrown away...
it's inhumane

Eterne
07.05.2010

For Those Who Love

Perhaps your heart is full of birds and stars,
lifted by falling in love,
and you are thinking:  It is possible
to sit comfortably on the cloud nine
till the end of time;

or perhaps your heart is too heavy to carry around,
because your lover is gone,
or no longer among us. But you still love:
Your heart cradles the memories of the past days,
your fingertips still sense the touch of their beloved face...

Maybe your heart is like a tree growing stronger each year
amid  the hurricanes, winter storms and  torrential rains
intertwined with sunny breaks,
repeating themselves with the regularity of  passing seasons
- a predictable unpredictability bringing to your heart 
strength and flexibility,

or maybe  your heart is like a  red sunset,
breathtaking at the end of a busy  harvest's day,
or like a lake in a forest at dawn,
wrapped in a  shawl of a white mist    
- because your love filled up your heart  
with beauty and peace, 
and brought you the quiet joy of existence ...

If you are that person,  if this is your heart,
then  in my poems  you may see your love 
in the mirror of mine.

Eterne

Sailing

When you are sailing
on the ocean of your thoughts
your eyes are steel-gray,
reflecting the cloudy sky above
and the depths of the waters
you are crossing.

You are visiting countless ports,
and, like a back of your hand,
you know many different shores;
you can tell the constellations
guiding your boat from above,
but you never touch the waves...

Afraid of icebergs and coral reefs
just on the surface, drifting,
you don't explore the mystery of the ocean;
like a sailor afraid of a voice of a siren,
not knowing how to swim and afraid of drowning
- you never immerse in water...

While I dive,
and swim to the nadir of my sea
to set me free.

Eterne

September 2010

[It is not getting easier]

It is not getting easier with each passing day...
They say:
"Time heals everything"
"Time makes you forget"

But what meaning does time have?
We are just a speck in eternity:
What difference does make a day,
a few months or a thousand years?

How can time contain love?
We are a part of eternity
and so is love: Immeasurable entity
and a part of us.

They say:
"Time heals everything"
"Time makes you forget",
but it is not getting easier with each passing day...

Maybe they really don't know much?
Scrupulous accountants
meticulously processing minutes of their lives,
slaves of time they created
oblivious to the strength of love.

Eterne
May 2010

Ash Tree

When we spoke about the tall gray ash tree
in front of my bedroom window,
you've asked me:
"Can you see the sky when there are leaves?"
Then you came when the tree
was adorned with thick green foliage
- and we could see the blue sky
from our hide-away in my tree-house.
Now again the tree is full of young leaves
and I see the sky, despite that you are not hiding with me…
Yet there is snow falling on the new leaves in May;
It is snowing in my heart as well.
Such a strange Spring we have this year...

Eterne

May 2010

Lament

How far do I have to swim against the current
to reach the shore of peace?
How high need I walk uphill
to reach the summit and see
the landscape and the road leading me?

How fast do I have to run against the wind?
How much longer can I sail in storm and thunder
without letting my boat sink?
How much more strength do I have
to do the Sisyphus' job against everyone's will?

Who is there to lend me a hand?
Is there anybody to inspire me and praise,
to let me know that my labors are not in vain?
Is there anyone on my side, who wishes me well?

I've called, many times
and I thought I've heard someone answering my cries,
but it was just my own voice
echoing....

Eterne

June 2010

Harbor

Just seconds before I fall asleep

I go back to a place  

of calm happiness, peace and tranquility…

Turbulence of the troubled world drift away,

nothing matters, I feel safe;

my heart is home to me.

The same way I feel

when you are holding me:

calm happiness, peace and tranquility…

Turbulence of the troubled world drift away,

nothing else matters, nothing else exists;

your arms are home to me…

        
         This moment brings us together; before I fall asleep,

even when you are distant; amid the storms and rain,

every night I feel the safe harbor of your embrace...

I just have to reach it and make peace.

Nothing matters; nothing else exists;

loving you is home to me...

          Eterne

          May 2010

Quiet Desperation

to Robert

Quoting a Very Famous Person,
Robert said so many times
that most people live the lives
of a quiet desperation.

They grind their teeth while smiling
to keep the appearances
of effortless happiness and success
- whatever they mean by that!

They are making their parents proud:
Getting married, build careers,
pleasing spouses, raising children;
in their lovely picket-fenced homes
they fear their own freedom.

They expect great rewards in this or in an after-life
from the cruel gods they choose to fear:
For living a loveless life, and for not knowing who they are;
for selling their soul to the devil of Compliance
who charms them with a sweet talk,
and looking deeply into their eyes
sways them to follow the one who follows last.

And only sometimes
when their spouse sleeps soundly at their side,
in the deepest dark of the night
secretly they take off their masks
and allow themselves to be who they are.

Feeling the loneliness of their own being,
staring at the ceiling during sleepless nights
with emptiness in their eyes and dry throats
or quietly crying in their pillows,
they yearn to be loved.

I am sure that the degree of desperation
varies from person to person;
sometimes it is bearable, sometimes they break free
like I did...
But I thought they always can get off their knees
and choose not to live such life
of a quiet desperation.

I've learned only now
that sometimes the choice has been made for us:
I did not choose for you to be gone,
I did not choose to cry at night,
I did not choose not to see the love in your eyes.
I didn't choose to keep the appearances
and smile while inside I'm falling apart.

Without your love
my life has become one of those lives
Robert was talking about,
echoing a Very Famous Person:
Without your love I live a life
of a quiet desperation.

Eterne

June 2010

Serene Highness

for François
 
contradictions
of your slender body
your stout hands
warm, decisive and giving
tenderly reaching
my inner being
through the refined touch of my skin

tides of caresses
bringing natural patterns
and rhythms
raising my body
to breath
my heart racing
to live

slowly
gradually
heavily
weighting my skin
pulsating with intensifying passion
in every heartbeat

my hesitating psyche
defeated
by your lips and tongue
whispering prayers
of a prodigal son
in an ancient dialect
known only to lovers
since the dawn of time

my conquered body prevails
willingly
until
the excruciating craving
of my elevated entity
to meet your consciousness
in anew dimension
erupts
in the waves of demise

ecstasy
serenity
peace

the tempest concluded.
bringing me back to life,
your soul peeking lovingly into mine:
my slave
my victor
my lover
your fond sweet kisses
soothing playfully

until the next tide

Eterne
August 2010

fairground ride

like a ghost train
speeding through the black velvet
of a summer night,
bright lights at the crossroads
gray or sunny days
landscapes and people passing by
cold winds, eyes tearing
cities, streets and feelings
conversations, cries and laughter
someone playing Chopin
scent of blooming jasmine
always different yet still the same
repeating rhythms, colours and patterns
leading to nowhere
making no difference
leaving no trails
ending whenever
started by a chance
my life
different yet the same
as everyone else's
variations of the same theme
coincidences in clusters

Eterne

June 2010

A Phone-call to the Past

Hello sweetheart,
how are you today?

I just wanted to tell you:
It is good to dream,
and beautiful...
Sometimes dreams do come true:
One day you will have that brother
you’ve always wanted to have;

strangely enough,
he won’t be your sibling
nor your relative,
yet he will be closer to your heart
than anyone else you’ll ever know
in your entire life.

Does he know about you?
No, he does not know yet
but when you will meet
he won’t ever forget,
because he misses you
since the day he was born,
same as you miss him:
in your play,
in your drawings,
in your stories,
in your dreams...

Will he love you?
Yes, with all his heart and soul.

Will you be together forever?
Sorry baby,
the answer to that question
I still do not know...

Let’s dream together:
Sometimes dreams do come true.
It is good to dream
and beautiful...

Eterne

  July2010

Great White North

time
slow and heavy
does not move at all
the world's still and frozen
no soul around
no one to hear
the deadly silence
of the Great White North
looming
from you
my love

Eterne

April 2010

said it all

so many letters,
said it all
mountains of thoughts
crumbling into dust
*******************************************************

time passes  by
empty nights
rivers we cannot get into twice

our separate lives

parallel universes of needs and wants
of wanting and needing love

time passes by
rivers dry
turn into dust 

Eterne

April 2010

Yor Laughter

your laughter
crisp like a winter morning
sunlight in your eyes
warming my face
ravenous lips and fingers
searching my body
all over again
an exclamation of happiness
suspended
above my bed

your laughter


scream
long and silent
mouth grasping for air
 blue moon's light
above the black sea
 of my despair

your laughter

Eterne
February 2010

a walk on mt. royal

delicate wind stroking your radiant face 
 announcing spring on a gray winter's day
your funny hat with the strings I pulled
to touch your full lips
with mine
shy avid kisses on the cold bench
desire, joy and blind trust
in the wonderful  future in front of us
yours and mine
you and me
indifferent to the whole city spread at our feet
our being suspended
between You - I and Us
somewhere between the ground
and sky
inviting us to reach it
on immense white wings
of love

Eterne 
May 2010

Precious Heart

If I were crying for a Tree’s love

the tree would weep,

would bind me in its branches and lift me to its crown

to rock me and soothe me;

 my eyes kissed by its leaves .

If I were crying for Wind’s care

the wind would howl

its balmy breath would dry my tears,

and warm  my soul

whispering the words of love.

If I were crying for Ocean’s kindness

the ocean would moan

its waves would surround me and hold me tight

allow me to know its unknown.

If I were crying before a Mountain

the way I am crying for your love

it would come closer, lean over,

embrace me, and give me hope.

I have the whole wide World open to love

yet I have no strength to unlock Your Heart;

it seems to be as tough  as diamonds,

under heat and force hardened over time.

Eterne

May 2010

Void

How can I describe the void
created by your absence?

A vast tall room with lights too bright,
where each sound echoes from the bare walls and floors
imitating life
my scattered thoughts gathered around the black gaping hole
in my heart
A glass dome around me not allowing others to come close,
afraid of my suffering, as if it were a contagious disease...
Leprosy of heart
Good people leaving crumbs of empathy,
glad they could aid without exposing themselves
to my pain,
they cannot cure or help.

So I am wandering aimlessly
alone
carrying a clapper and a bell,
walking half-dead through purgatory on earth.

Eterne

April 2010

Predicament

Please darling, remind me
- wasn't that you who said:
"There is no such a thing
as a throw-away intimacy"?

Let me guess what happened to ours
since we did not throw it away...
Did we suspend it like laundry
on the clothes line drying in the air?

Or did we put it on the highest shelf
at the back of the wardrobe
for a season when we need
something much lighter and care-free?

Maybe we stored it in the attic in the coffer
with baby's clothes and wedding gowns
for the next twenty-five years or so?

Did we recycle it by a mistake?
But that doesn't make any sense:
We wouldn't put into a recycling bin
a book of art to be processed into a paperback!
No, that's just a pure nonsense!

Oh what a predicament!
I am looking for it all over the place
and I cannot find it anywhere.
Yesterday it was here
and then suddenly it disappeared!

Please, sweetheart, help me look for it
because I know that I did not throw it away,
and I don't believe that you did,
since you think that there isn't such a thing
as a throw-away intimacy!

Eterne

June 2010

Sadness

Sadness

absent thoughts
indifference
numbness
tears rolling down
my heart's pouring sadness

Eterne

   

If

"I know I could be very happy with you" 

- Oh, I know that you could! 

And I know I could be very happy with you

- If you only would...

 
Eterne

   

    Uncertainty

      suspended

      in  empty  space
      no  floors,  doors,  windows
      no  way
      to  escape

        Eterne

      

April 2010

Untimely

To walk away from love
is to bereave,
to bring an ill-timed death:
An infant born after he died
who was never able to see the light
or take his first breath
and was never given a chance for life;
death of a  child,
a teenage suicide
precluding maturity and to live full life;
a hasty death in the time of prime
with broken promises of many years ahead
while children are still young
- there are no answers, no explanations why...

There are no words to convey
the anguish and sorrow
of those who love,
who are left behind to accept and understand
The Incomprehensible. 

They are left to grieve their losses
with the same bewilderment
in their eyes:
In the aftermath 
of an untimely death
or of their lovers fear of  love...

Eterne, 

June, 2010

Not Interested

I really don't want to get to know you.
I cannot care less.
I am sure you are a wonderful person,
witty and intelligent.

I know your children mean the world to you
and they always come first ...
right after your career
and money-making quests.

I am not interested in how well you are doing
or how life is not fair.
I am not going to be a good listener,
and I don’t want to pretend.

I don’t want to know your story
and what you have learned.
I am not interested in your background
and who you’ve become.

I’m sure you are as open-minded as one can be
and are interested in other cultures, creeds and cuisines.
Your future plans mean nothing to me
just like your daily running, biking or gym.

I don’t want to take a coffee to see if we click,
and I am not interested in checking if there is chemistry.
I know that we spoke and understood what we’ve said,
but that does not mean that we did really connect.

Don't try to cram me in a box  with a label on the top of it
and then tell me who I am, what I think and how I feel:
Rest assured that your "thin slicing" method is too thick
and you would need years to understand me!
 
I don’t want to know how great a kisser you are
and how fantastic could be our sex.
I don’t want you to pamper and spoil me ...
or get on my nerves.

I am sure that you're handsome
and as good looking as you say,
and that the belly you're carrying around
you will lose any day now.

I don’t want to be your mistress or your sugar babe;
I’ m not looking for a one night stand
with a perfectly strange man.
The phrase “No Strings Attached fun" is preposterous.

I don’t want to take it slowly
and become friends first
I don’t want to marry you - ever
or become your forever girl-friend.

I don’t want to be lovers and friends,
I’m sure I am not the one who is your soul mate,
and I don’t think
you could ever manage to sweep me off my feet.

I don’t want to know you, I don’t want to date.
Don’t take it personally though; do not despair:
It is not about you - it is all about me!
You are really great;
It's just that I am in love
with somebody else.

Eterne

June 2010

this morning

i am sitting here alone

feeling you in me

listening to pink floyd

i don't know how much i still have

i don't know how much i have lost

do i hear the music i love?

are my feelings true?

do i think what i think,

do i see what i do?

so many questions

no one to answer

all i know is

i am sitting here alone

feeling you in me

listening to pink floyd

Eterne
April 2010

Too much?

I think of the aura of you, and I miss you...

I think of your scent, voice and touch,

your beautiful mind and generous heart,

I think of the peace I find in your arms,

and I keep asking myself:

Is that too much for me to have near by?

Don't I deserve to be loved every day,

instead of once a year?

Or is that, too,

too much?

Eterne

May 2010

I'm glad

I am glad that you are OK,

that you are active as always,

healthy and well.

It was good to hear your voice,

to know

that I am not in love

with a ghost.

Your voice so sexy - ah!

started me thinking
about what we are

missing now...

I am glad that you are well

and maybe even happy,

unlike I;

but it is good to know,

that between the two of us

at least one is doing fine.

Eterne,

June 2010

Drops of Hope

                 
                 
                 When the loved one hurt you,

  tears carry hope for renewed love,

  as  spring raindrops promise new life

           after a dark winter of wind, snow and ice.

         

 If there were no love, no hope

 - cold heart turns tears into rime;

 you may cry inside,

 but your eyes will stay dry.                                                

   

   When hurt,

   for as long as  sprouts of  hope 

   germinate under tending rays

   of your heart's love 

  - you will cry 

Eterne 
May 2010

pretend-death

When I wanted to cut my veins
sitting on the cold bathroom floor
holding a broken glass bottle in my hand
I suddenly thought
about my beautiful three-month-old daughter
my first born
her helplessness and innocence
and how much love she would need to grow.
She saved my life.
I couldn't kill myself, and I never will;
my children's birth is my rebirth.
Yet sometimes I wish
I could just curl up and die in my sleep
not to feel the anguish of your pretend-death.
With no service to attend, no farewells to say,
no last kiss on a cold forehead,
no graveside to visit.
You are just a heartbeat away
but it feels like Eternity.

Eterne

May 2010

Escape

I wish I could run away from you,
like you ran away from me:
Erase you from my memory,
deny that you exist.

I wish I could no longer see
you looking right at me,
love glowing in your eyes
warming my face and my heart.

I wish I could leave behind
my body remembering your touch,
my senses recollecting
the scent and silkiness of your skin.

I wish I could leave for a place
where your being does not run through my veins,
and the threads sending your thoughts to me
ceased to exist.

I wish I could sleep
without you frequenting my dreams,
with no memories of the peace I feel
when you are embracing me.

Your presence in my home;
Your existence in me;
Your company which everywhere follows; 
I wish   I   could   just   leave.

I wish I could just forget you,
like you have forgotten me:
Erased me from your memory,
denied that I exist.

Eterne 

April 2010

ReArrangements

Every day I promise myself:
Today
I will make the phone calls, send the letters,
manage the appointments;
I will read what I was supposed to,
I will write what I did not finish;
I will make some rearrangements in the kitchen,
in my notes, in my papers, on my shelves;
I will put my life in order,
the way it was meant to be.
And everyday I accomplish
nothing
I just manage to breathe...

I still live...

Now -
I just have to add the meaning

 

Eterne

April 2010

My Dream

I had a dream last night:
My lover–to-be from long ago came to find what we’d lost.
Then we were both at the crossroads and weren’t bold enough
to fall in love against the complications in our lives.
It wasn’t a good decision. I knew it then,
so he came to make up for the lost time.

We were kissing and caressing each other with great eagerness
and I closed my eyes very tightly and said to myself:
“I have to, I have to forget about him” — thinking of my love who left.
And my lover-to-be said: "You’ve had such a strange expression on your face”

Two school girls came to our bedroom,
obviously best friends who love and hate each other – and themselves.
They were arguing and talking like an old married couple: "you always, you never,
you always take, you always want, you never say.…"
And instead of making love we ended up talking care of those two best friends.
They parted ways,
and my ex lover-to-be and I too had to go back to our respective lives.

Nothing changed:
the past went back to the past,
the girls continued their friendship the only way they knew how,
and I woke up to face another empty day

with no love I wanted to forget.

Eterne

April2010

Don't take too long...

Perhaps at age fifty

you’ve just started to bud,   

discovering that the world is not always

what they’ve made you trust.

Perhaps at age fifty

you've just begun

exploring the avenues far away

from the confident track

of your well-intended life.

Perhaps this will yield fruits

at sixty-five

and you will live to enjoy them

till the ripe age

of ninety-nine.

At fifty

I already feel old and wise

having had the experience of multiple lives

And I know

there might be no tomorrow; we might not last.

Our lives are here and now

and this is the time to love.

Eterne

April 2010